Happy Birthday, dear

You would be 20 today.
Hanging out with you is the only thing I'm doing today.
Tyler's picking me up right from the yard.

I'll play you the song I made for you,
even though I still don't know guitar.
It's the first song I've ever written with music.

I love you.
Happy birthday.
I love you so much.
-cm

It's oh so disassembling to see you again, m'dear.

There is a boy in the neighborhood who looks like you from the side.
Then there was a boy, when I got off the bus for my last time being at SMFA for the term, who looked exactly like you without facial hair.

I stopped walked and watched him pass me by. We kept eye contact, but I was the startled one, he seemed so calm.

I love seeing this version of you, but I hate it so much. It hurts more than any of this has before.
It's even extremely difficult to write this all out, and just explaining it again makes my body hurt.

I was thrown into a massive whirlwind. I almost lost control of everything,
and then it started.
I recited Bradley Hathaway's poem "Silence"

Out loud.
Walking down the street.
To school.
At first, my words shook harder than my body, and as I kept speaking, I felt calm, warm and numb to everything around me. I didn't feel the rain pouring on me, I felt as though there was a shield around me. Blocking out all air, wind movement, tempature, and moisture.

Nothing from the outside world could get in,
I was recovering.

I don't remember the walk to school, I just remember finishing the poem, still frazzled a bit, but a block away from SMFA. I felt like I blacked out the entire time or just appeared there.

Recently I have been realizing what happened.
You were my friend,
one of my best friends. And that's not just because you died, you were one of my best friends before then.
When I was having fever hallucionations, you were the one who almost convinced me to come over...but I didn't want to get you sick (jokes on me, again)
But you were a dear friend of mine,
I hung out with you.
I sat, ate, smoked, drank, laughed, talked, hugged, and punched you.
No one will ever laugh like you did when I would hit you for being a bastard.

Your smile penatrates my heart and it hurts, but it feels so nice to remember.

And then I remember.
I remember what you did, I remember Vincenza coming to my house with Alex yelling for Conor. I remember being high. Damnit, I regret that. But I remember her crying and me askings what was wrong. I didn't want to know what she meant at first, my head knew, but instantly (without me being able to really grasp out quickly my denial sets in) thinking she meant he ran away.
I knew you didn't.
I knew what happened.


I now know what happened.
And that you're not here.
And you won't ever be.
And that you were before.
That I won't hug you goodbye.

I always hug goodbye, or at least say goodbye.
And the one time I thought "he's in a rush, you'll see him again, chill out for once in your life."
I never saw you again.

I'm sorry. I love you.
-cm

This blog is souly here for me, Chet, and those who knew him.

Or those who have some sort of interest in what the fuck is going on,
because, well, to be blunt, this is effecting me
I've made mention of Chet in "Sorry for this but...", but I haven't really gotten too in depth about it because, well, that blog isn't the place for it.

I realized I needed a place for the entirity of my, well, release on all of this when I made a post on "Sorry for this but..." hinting at my fear of how I will, at some point in my life, become older than Chet was when he passed away. He was 19. Turning 20 on June 17th, 2009.
I turn 18 on May 17th, 2009.

I paused from writting this to send him a facebook comment (I do it a lot, so do a lot of his friends):

Chelsea Maida My birthday is coming up soon.

I don't like the idea of growing older as you stay the same age.
Your birthday will always pass, and the memory of your living will always be here, but one of the professors who spoke at your service at AI said something that really shook me;

You will always be 19.
Always.
And at some point in my life I will be older than you.
I don't like that.

You were the only person I knew where I didn't think about my age at all, and even during the few times where you'd remember how young I was, it was brushed off and not even thought about twice.

This is the first year I don't want my birthday to come.
I don't want to grow older than you.

5 minutes ago · Comment · LikeUnlike · See Wall-to-Wall


That's pretty much the base of it.

This professor at AI also writes and reads poetry, and he read a poem that helped him when a friend of his died (I think) at a young age.
It pretty much talked about how when a friend dies at a young age (or any age really) and you outlive them, you will always remember them as the age they passes away at. (I guess it's just more extreme at a young age because it becomes a drastic difference in how your life with them was lived then, and how you're living it now, without them, and being older)

In this case, I know Chet as a 19 year old, who I always thought was older, and I was a 17 year old, who he always forgot wasn't older. Like all of my other friends, he's older than me. That's nothing new.
But one of the few things that I hate, because I can't change ("no matter what") is my age.
No matter what happens, I will never be on the same age group as my friends.

Until Chet.


Now I will catch up to him, be the same age, and eventually pass him.
I do not like this.



I do not like this one bit.
I do not like green eggs and ham,
this I swear Sam I am.

I rather stop time than grow older than you,
or even a year closer to you.
I don't want to be 18, and you 19. That's not how it was. I am 17. You are 19.
I want it to stay that way.
My denial has always been a hairy demon,
but it was never a semen demon.

I can't even bare to think about the day I turn 20. OLDER than you.
I've never been older than a best friend of mine,
not even a close friend of mine. EVERYONE IS OLDER.
I can't deal with people younger than me, and you're breaking that chain.

I just don't know what to do really, I just want to stop time and stay with you.
-cm